I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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