just survived the first fart of the relationship.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I just got carded by a ten year old.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
