dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Randomize
