i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
