So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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