He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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