I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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