The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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