Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
