Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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