you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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