You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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