the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
