Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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