My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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