Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
