I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
