God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
