god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
