Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
