Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Randomize
