Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
