Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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