Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
She told me I should be a condom model.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
