My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
