Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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