Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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