im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my vag is so smooth its legendary
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
jump out the window naked night went bad
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