I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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