the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
