Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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