My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
