Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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