he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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