Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
