Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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