btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
