OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
