I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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