Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize