Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
