if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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