Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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