i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
