Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
