i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize