If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
