I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
This house was built for laser tag.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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