Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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