you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
