1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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