so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
