Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
