i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
