I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
