Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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