He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
