the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
