You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Randomize
