and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
