he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize