My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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