Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize